He's done!!

This post should have come almost two weeks ago, but little Abigail has put me behind on pretty much everything. :) I didn't even start checking my own email until a couple days ago...

But, huge news! Eric graduated a week from last Sunday with his Masters degree!

He has worked so hard the last two years and I am so proud of him.  This was a day we have both been looking forward to so much. It was extra special because Abigail decided to come in time to be there with us (she was ten days old on Eric's graduation day). It also happened to be Father's Day so it was a double celebration day for Eric.

We are both so happy to have school done. I think the best part is having Eric come home at the end of the day and be able to spend time with him without worrying that he should be studying.

We haven't mentioned it on the blog yet, but we will be staying in San Diego for now. Eric got a job at IGCC (Institute on Global Conflict and Cooperation), a research institute at UCSD. He will be working on projects dealing with China, and he loves research and China so I think it will be a good fit. He started working part time before graduation and now has jumped into full-time work. It will be fun to stay here, we have loved San Diego.  So all of you who haven't come to visit us yet, there is still time. :)

Love this picture. Though little Abby wasn't too happy about it. 

And just a short baby update: Things are somewhat going better.  At least with Abby. She has continued to gain weight and this week finally regained her birthweight.  Breastfeeding has not gotten any better.  We are trying some more things to get the milk supply up because it is still pretty much non-existent. I am at least coping with it better, most of the time.  I went for my first run post-baby today which was wonderful for helping me clear my mind and feel good. 

Thank you everyone for your advice and support.  I really appreciate it. 

An update

Two and a half weeks. It feels so much longer than that in so many ways.  I wish I could say it has been all wonderful. I expected it to be difficult to take care of a newborn, but it has been so much harder, and in ways I never imagined. Eric has been an absolute lifesaver to me every single day these couple of weeks.  If he hadn't been able to be around, I don't know what I would have done.

The birth itself was wonderful, except for the seven hours of pushing with no pain medications. I will post a detailed birth story soon, I just haven't had the energy to do it yet. I am so grateful that we were able to have Abigail at the birth center. It was once we came home that the problems started.  I just needed to let out my thoughts on it all - so please excuse the awfully long post.  It is mostly for me.

Breastfeeding was very painful.  Now, I knew from my classes and reading in preparation that it shouldn't hurt, though often it does.  So, I knew we were doing something wrong. I did my best, but it definitely didn't help that my mom who was staying and helping us kept saying, 'oh that's normal - that's how it should be.' And it also didn't help that the communication between the birth center and the lactation consultant who was supposed to do a home visit got messed up and we weren't visited until three days after the birth.  So I had already gone three days in a lot of pain without any help.  The consultant helped some with the latch and I tried working on it more the next couple of days.

But it just did not get better. It got to the point that I dreaded each feeding, and would often cry through them. On Wednesday (Day 6), I decided I needed more help.  We had looked up all the breastfeeding support groups in the area and I went to one.  When the consultant there asked me how I was doing, I almost burst into tears as I told her how hard it was, even though I thought the latch was so much better. She helped some more with that and then just from observing the feeding she told me she though Abigail was tongue-tied. So that night, we looked up and called more lactation consultants so that we could get a diagnosis.

The next morning I woke up with chills, a fever, very achy all over, and a very hard, swollen, and red breast.  I felt absolutely miserable.  As  I sat there, getting ready to feed Abigail, I just cried (again, I was doing that a lot).  I really didn't see how I could do this anymore. I can more easily understand how so many people give up breastfeeding - I honestly did not know if I could keep going.  This was definitely the low point for me.

 It was so hard to even get into the car to go visit the lactation consultant. She confirmed what I feared - I had mastitis, which was why I felt absolutely horrible. Then she had me lie down to get ready to feed so she could observe. She took one look at my nipples and said that there was no way she was going to let Abigail latch on to them, saying that they were some of the most damaged she had seen in a one weeker. (they were very cracked and bleeding). After checking Abigail, she said she definitely had a tongue tie which was what had caused all the pain and damage to me. It was a relief to at least know there was a reason why we just couldn't get it! She gave me a nipple shield and then put Abigail on. Oh my, it was like night and day, the difference with it on.  I didn't hurt!  It was amazing. I will be forever grateful to her.  After seeing her, I felt like I could see some light at the end of all this. I think visiting her was what kept me going.

Unfortunately, things did not get easier.  Abigail's tongue was clipped on Friday (turns out our pediatrician just happens to do the procedure - most don't). And the breast shields allowed me to heal. But the next 5 days were spent in bed, completely miserable as the mastitis took forever to get better. I finally started taking antibiotics 2 days in but they definitely did not kick in right away. I almost didn't make it to Eric's graduation that Sunday.  But I knew I just couldn't miss it.

On top of all this, my thoughts were constantly consumed with worrying that my little girl wasn't getting enough to eat. I could tell I didn't have as much milk as before all of this happened and she just wasn't seeming satisfied after feeding. Sure enough, we went to the pediatrician the next day and she had dropped back down to her low point.  She was born at 7lb 7.5 oz, had dropped to 6lb 11oz, and had gone back up to 7lb the week before.  At this visit she was back down to 6lb 11oz. And then the pediatrician said what I was fearing he would - we needed to get something in her. That meant supplementing with formula.

It was so hard for me to hear and accept that. I have always planned on breastfeeding, I know how beneficial it is and it has always been so important to me. Now I felt like a failure, knowing that for some reason, I wasn't making enough milk for my baby girl. So started the phase where we are now - trying to increase my milk supply. I am taking herbs that are supposed to help, and I am pumping at least 8 times a day between feeds, and then supplementing with whatever I am able to express along with formula during nursing sessions. I am using a supplemental nursing system which means she is breastfeeding and there is a tube that we feed into her mouth at the same time, giving her the supplement.  It would be so much easier to give her a bottle, but I really want to see if this will work.  Oh, I hope it does.

The good news is that Abigail is finally gaining weight and looks so much healthier. Her jaundice has disappeared and she is beautiful. If only we could get this feeding down! I feel like I will be able to enjoy all of this so much more once we do.

Here is our cute little jaundiced baby, the day before we started supplementing

Look at the amazing difference in her color! 

We just love this little girl.  Hopefully now that I am feeling better, we will be able to post pictures more frequently!

The love that brought you here

I imagine most of you who read this blog have already heard the news.  Our beautiful daughter Abigail Joy Anderson was born on Thursday, June 7th at 8:58pm.  That moment was the most incredible moment of my life.  She weighs 7 lbs 7.5 oz and measures 20.5 inches long.

In the coming days, we'll post our birth story in detail, but for now, let me share with you my first journal entry for our girl Abigail.  I think it comes as close as I can get to expressing my true love for this girl and the wonderful woman who brought her here.  She is so precious to us, and we love her!

----
June 8, 2012


I'm sitting next to you right now, Abigail.  You were born just over 24 hours ago.  That was perhaps the most incredible moment of my life.  Your mother worked so hard to bring you into this world.  Oh, I wish you knew how hard she worked.  She did it because she loved you.  For almost seven hours she pushed.  The pain she endured with each push is beyond my understanding.  I don't believe I've ever experienced one moment of what she felt for seven hours.  But she endured, and she did so with godly patience, remarkable kindness to those around her, and, probably above all, motherly love.  You do know she did this all without pain relief, I'm sure.  Even when it looked like she was certain to be transferred to a hospital, she kept going, believing in the ability of her body to give birth to you.


Your Grandma Hinckley was there too, helping the whole time.  She too loved you beyond compare and maintained complete faith and calmness through it all.  I was there, too, of course.  There is nowhere I would have gone to miss being with you.


A lot of things happened that allowed you to be born in the way you were.  There was the faith of family, the extraordinary care of two midwives (four at the end), a priesthood blessing when all seemed beyond our power to help--Heavenly Father truly was blessing you--but above all, and I know this for a fact, it was the love of your mother that made your birth the success that it was.


When at 8:58pm last night you were finally born, I was overcome with feeling.  I couldn't believe I was actually seeing you and meeting you.  I was speechless and felt nothing but love.  I wish you could sense that feeling, but I will always remember it.  You were beautiful.  Oh, you were so very beautiful.


After the whole night discussing it, your mother and I decided on the name Abigail Joy to give you.  Abigail primarily due to our admiration of Abigail Adams, but also because it's a beautiful name.  Joy because of your Grandma Joyce, but really because you are the greatest joy I and your mother have ever felt.  Oh, Abigail, how I do love you.
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And how our love has only grown with each hour and each day, Abigail.  Thank you so much for joining our family!  We love you!

Weeks 37-39

Week 37

At our midwife appointment this week, the midwife had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat.  After feeling around and watching baby girl moving, she told us that the baby had moved into a posterior position (face pointed towards my front). This helped explain why in the past few days, my lower back had really started bothering me, and a few times a day I would get this strange numb, tingling feeling in my behind.  This was all related to the babies position.  

Since a posterior position in labor can make things even more painful (lots more back pain, longer labor, etc), this was not very exciting news. So I came home and looked at the spinning babies website, which I had always meant to look at, but never got around to. After trying to sift through all the info there, I just felt very overwhelmed. When we went to our birthing class that Thursday, I told our teacher about it and she was a lifesaver, showing me three different spinning babies positions that she though would be most important for me to try.  It helped so much having something concrete to do. 

Week 38

Good news, after just one week, baby girl seems to have moved back into a better position.  What a relief!  

I think this week I may have put on a little extra fluid.  No problems with swelling up to this point, but a sudden 3 pound increase and having a harder time putting on my Chacos made me wonder... 

Another new development this week was having my very first noticeable Braxon-Hicks contractions. At first I wasn't sure, but after having a few and paying attention to them, noticing how my stomach tightened up with each one, I figure that's what it is.  People this week have also started telling me that I look like I have 'dropped.' I can't tell a difference, but plenty of other people can, apparantly. 

This week was also my last week at work. It is good to be done because I feel like there is just so much I need to do!

Week 39

No big changes this week. Baby girl sure doesn't feel any closer to coming. 

Things are slowly coming together.  I have the cloth diapers all prepped, baby girl's clothes washed and put away, labor bag mostly put together.  Still have some sewing to do - making some cloth wipes (Eric isn't sure these are a good idea, but I figure I will make some, and then convince him) and nursing pads.  Food to stock up on, last minute baby things to get, books to finish, and my nerves to calm.  So, it will still be a busy few days (weeks?). Here we go.

Becoming a mom - some thoughts

This has been my first official week of not working. How strange that feels.  The closest I have come to this was when we were in China and I did only small tutoring/English teaching jobs. And Eric can attest to the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed the time I had for exploring and trying new adventures like baking in a rice cooker. But this is different.  My time won't be spent blissfully exploring San Diego or baking batches of cookies without a care in the world. I am going to be a mamma! And that's a slightly (hugely!) frightening thing.

I have wanted this for so long and I fully see it for the amazing blessing it is.  Those months of praying for a baby, the heartache of our miscarriage, the pain of seeing others have what I so desperately wanted are not forgotten.  But now that motherhood is literally upon me, I wonder - what in the world am I doing? I can't be a mother! How am I supposed to be responsible for the nurturing, teaching, and life of another person?

And then I feel baby girl moving inside me and realize how much I already love this little one. And as much as part of me wants her to stay nice and safe in there, I know she is coming soon.  And I can't wait to hold her and kiss her, and yes, even be her mother.

Weekend trip and a birthday

This weekend Eric and I were able to drive up to Fontana to see my sister Lilly come home from her mission.  Thanks to her coming in on a late Friday evening flight, we were even able to make it up to the airport after Eric's class.

It was so good to see her again.  Poor girl was definitely not wanting to be home - I think most of her first day back was spent in tears. But she pulled herself together in time to give an amazing talk on Sunday in church.  She has grown so much and I am so proud of her!  Oh, missions are so wonderful! Now that she and Eric's sister Brittany are home, we don't have any more siblings left to serve missions.  A little sad.

Eric just happened to have his birthday while we were in Fontana and it was fun being able to celebrate with family.  He would have preferred me not to remind everyone that it was his birthday, but I couldn't do that!  It was still low key, but fun.  Complete with a disaster of a homemade german chocolate cake I made him.  Tasted amazing, just had to piece it all back together with frosting after it came out of the pans in a ton of pieces. :)

I love that boy and wish I could give him so much more than a crushed cake. He is most definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Weeks 33-36

Week 33

Now that I had the stress of the growth ultrasound past, I was feeling much better about everything - knowing that baby girl is okay. I had my baby shower this week which was so fun.  I'm glad we had it earlier than originally planned (would have been at 38 weeks) because now we have been able to plan better what all we need to get ready for our girl. 

Week 34

This week I had people tell me for the first time that I look like I am "about to pop." Which, after being told repeatedly that I look sooo small, it was actually not an unwelcome change. Though I think maybe it was the shirt I was wearing because the next day it was back to people telling me I look tiny. At our midwife appointment this week I measured at 31, so up 2 from two weeks ago, so growth seems to be back on track! 

We got our baby 'nursery' all set up this week. We have been very uncertain as to how a baby was fitting into our tiny place. Its snug, that's for sure.  But it is going to work!  The pack n play is set up in a corner in our room, right next to the bed and I cleaned out part of our dresser to fit in baby's things. It's a good thing baby's don't seem to need too much. 

Week 35

I am definitely starting to feel bigger this week. Getting out of bed and off the couch is always interesting.  But I still feel really good!  All of the girls in my birthing class were complaining this week about swelling and being so uncomfortable. They all sure looked miserable.  I am definitely counting my blessings and crossing my fingers that it isn't just going to hit me a little later. 

Week 36

This week we started our weekly mid-wife visits. It is feeling oh so much closer now. Which makes me feel all the more overwhelmed.  

We went shopping for baby for this first time this week.  Up to this point, we hadn't purchased a single thing for this little girl.  But we hit the baby resale stores and got some good things. I had been researching baby carriers and for now got us a Moby wrap which besides having to get used to all the wrapping, seems great for baby-wearing when she is really small.  Also got the last of our cloth diapers ordered.  So things are slowly starting to come together! 

Only a month left!