This has been my first official week of not working. How strange that feels. The closest I have come to this was when we were in China and I did only small tutoring/English teaching jobs. And Eric can attest to the fact that I thoroughly enjoyed the time I had for exploring and trying new adventures like baking in a rice cooker. But this is different. My time won't be spent blissfully exploring San Diego or baking batches of cookies without a care in the world. I am going to be a mamma! And that's a slightly (hugely!) frightening thing.
I have wanted this for so long and I fully see it for the amazing blessing it is. Those months of praying for a baby, the heartache of our miscarriage, the pain of seeing others have what I so desperately wanted are not forgotten. But now that motherhood is literally upon me, I wonder - what in the world am I doing? I can't be a mother! How am I supposed to be responsible for the nurturing, teaching, and life of another person?
And then I feel baby girl moving inside me and realize how much I already love this little one. And as much as part of me wants her to stay nice and safe in there, I know she is coming soon. And I can't wait to hold her and kiss her, and yes, even be her mother.
5 comments:
If fear of motherhood could keep a baby in, I'd still be pregnant. One of the most useful things I learned in doula training was that bonding with your baby and enjoying motherhood can take time. If you fall madly in love with your baby and new life in the hospital that's great, but there's nothing wrong with the process taking awhile. I think a lot of people beat themselves up if they don't feel like Mother of the Year right away. It took me longer than I expected, but now I can't imagine my life any other way; he is my world. Can't wait to see your little one. :)
You will both be great parents. We're so excited for you!
You will be a wonderful Mamma! I understand what you mean about being responsible for another life. I was finally getting the hang of Lydia when Hannah joined our family. Now I relly feel like I don't know what I'm doing. But I love having a baby to cuddle with again. And I wouldn't trade being a mother for the world! Just don't ask me at 6:30 am after several night feedings and a toddler deciding its time to be up for the day! :)
It's amazing how fast the whole mothering instinct kicks in. The more you sacrifice for your little one, the more your love grows for them. I'm sorry you had to go through the pain of waiting to get pregnant. We had to wait almost a year and had a miscarriage as well. Not fun stuff, but it sure makes you appreciate your baby when you're having a rough night. Good luck with everything!
I love your thoughts and share so many of them for myself. One minute I can't wait... and the next minute I'm like, "Wait, crap, I'm not ready to be a mom!" haha. Pretty normal I figure :)
Post a Comment