An update

Two and a half weeks. It feels so much longer than that in so many ways.  I wish I could say it has been all wonderful. I expected it to be difficult to take care of a newborn, but it has been so much harder, and in ways I never imagined. Eric has been an absolute lifesaver to me every single day these couple of weeks.  If he hadn't been able to be around, I don't know what I would have done.

The birth itself was wonderful, except for the seven hours of pushing with no pain medications. I will post a detailed birth story soon, I just haven't had the energy to do it yet. I am so grateful that we were able to have Abigail at the birth center. It was once we came home that the problems started.  I just needed to let out my thoughts on it all - so please excuse the awfully long post.  It is mostly for me.

Breastfeeding was very painful.  Now, I knew from my classes and reading in preparation that it shouldn't hurt, though often it does.  So, I knew we were doing something wrong. I did my best, but it definitely didn't help that my mom who was staying and helping us kept saying, 'oh that's normal - that's how it should be.' And it also didn't help that the communication between the birth center and the lactation consultant who was supposed to do a home visit got messed up and we weren't visited until three days after the birth.  So I had already gone three days in a lot of pain without any help.  The consultant helped some with the latch and I tried working on it more the next couple of days.

But it just did not get better. It got to the point that I dreaded each feeding, and would often cry through them. On Wednesday (Day 6), I decided I needed more help.  We had looked up all the breastfeeding support groups in the area and I went to one.  When the consultant there asked me how I was doing, I almost burst into tears as I told her how hard it was, even though I thought the latch was so much better. She helped some more with that and then just from observing the feeding she told me she though Abigail was tongue-tied. So that night, we looked up and called more lactation consultants so that we could get a diagnosis.

The next morning I woke up with chills, a fever, very achy all over, and a very hard, swollen, and red breast.  I felt absolutely miserable.  As  I sat there, getting ready to feed Abigail, I just cried (again, I was doing that a lot).  I really didn't see how I could do this anymore. I can more easily understand how so many people give up breastfeeding - I honestly did not know if I could keep going.  This was definitely the low point for me.

 It was so hard to even get into the car to go visit the lactation consultant. She confirmed what I feared - I had mastitis, which was why I felt absolutely horrible. Then she had me lie down to get ready to feed so she could observe. She took one look at my nipples and said that there was no way she was going to let Abigail latch on to them, saying that they were some of the most damaged she had seen in a one weeker. (they were very cracked and bleeding). After checking Abigail, she said she definitely had a tongue tie which was what had caused all the pain and damage to me. It was a relief to at least know there was a reason why we just couldn't get it! She gave me a nipple shield and then put Abigail on. Oh my, it was like night and day, the difference with it on.  I didn't hurt!  It was amazing. I will be forever grateful to her.  After seeing her, I felt like I could see some light at the end of all this. I think visiting her was what kept me going.

Unfortunately, things did not get easier.  Abigail's tongue was clipped on Friday (turns out our pediatrician just happens to do the procedure - most don't). And the breast shields allowed me to heal. But the next 5 days were spent in bed, completely miserable as the mastitis took forever to get better. I finally started taking antibiotics 2 days in but they definitely did not kick in right away. I almost didn't make it to Eric's graduation that Sunday.  But I knew I just couldn't miss it.

On top of all this, my thoughts were constantly consumed with worrying that my little girl wasn't getting enough to eat. I could tell I didn't have as much milk as before all of this happened and she just wasn't seeming satisfied after feeding. Sure enough, we went to the pediatrician the next day and she had dropped back down to her low point.  She was born at 7lb 7.5 oz, had dropped to 6lb 11oz, and had gone back up to 7lb the week before.  At this visit she was back down to 6lb 11oz. And then the pediatrician said what I was fearing he would - we needed to get something in her. That meant supplementing with formula.

It was so hard for me to hear and accept that. I have always planned on breastfeeding, I know how beneficial it is and it has always been so important to me. Now I felt like a failure, knowing that for some reason, I wasn't making enough milk for my baby girl. So started the phase where we are now - trying to increase my milk supply. I am taking herbs that are supposed to help, and I am pumping at least 8 times a day between feeds, and then supplementing with whatever I am able to express along with formula during nursing sessions. I am using a supplemental nursing system which means she is breastfeeding and there is a tube that we feed into her mouth at the same time, giving her the supplement.  It would be so much easier to give her a bottle, but I really want to see if this will work.  Oh, I hope it does.

The good news is that Abigail is finally gaining weight and looks so much healthier. Her jaundice has disappeared and she is beautiful. If only we could get this feeding down! I feel like I will be able to enjoy all of this so much more once we do.

Here is our cute little jaundiced baby, the day before we started supplementing

Look at the amazing difference in her color! 

We just love this little girl.  Hopefully now that I am feeling better, we will be able to post pictures more frequently!